Yesterday while my boys were napping Kiari and I went on a bit of a walk. I let her take the lead and we wandering the alley behind our little house. We ran into my dad on his way home from campus and then ran into my mom on her way to campus. Kiari and I walked with her to her sculpting class which is in the Kirkham. Dance classes also meet in the Kirkham. So before leaving the building I stopped outside the glass double doors of the main dance studio to let Kiari watch the dance class. She loved it. She was only a few months old when she was with me at a dance recital on campus and she absolutely loved watching the dancers in their costumes, with the lights, and everything else. Watching here that night and again yesterday made me anxious for her first little dance class. And even more anxious to see if/how much she enjoys it.
Watching this class made me miss it. A lot. Some of you know, many of you may not know that for 8 years I was a dancer. I wasn't the best by any means but I was good. My second year at BYU-Idaho I was in a dance class and we were given extra credit for auditioning for what was then called Contemporary Dance Theatre. Extra credit and an excuse to dance for 5 hours straight?! Sign me up!
We learned a short routine then performed it for the instructors who then made a cut. Remember I was there for extra credit. So imagine my surprise when they called my name. I panicked. I wasn't supposed to make a cut, I was just there enjoying the opportunity to dance! That's when I did something that I'd never done before. I quit. I knew in my heart that if I kept dancing I would make the CDT company... which would mean changing my major... no more theatre productions... going on tour... all huge changes for me.
I walked up to Brother Bone (husband to one of the dance instructors) and before I even opened my mouth he said, "don't tell me you're coming up here to tell me that you're quiting. You didn't get this far because I know you." It had been years since I had really trained as a dancer so that was the excuse that I gave him, that I needed time to become a dancer again. Seriously?!?!?!?
I stayed and watched for awhile longer. Then walked home. My family was sitting together and when one my parents asked, "how did it go?" I just broke down and cried. Never in my life had I quit like that. I vowed to never do it again.
Now anytime I attend any kind of dance production I feel absolutely overwhelmed emotionally and I can't help but desperately want to be up on the stage with the other dancers.
As Kiari and I walked home yesterday I thought back to the night of the audition 9 years ago. (Which was held in the same studio the dance class was being held.) Would I really have made the company? How would things be different had I changed my major? Would I have really had to chance my major or just tweek it somewhat? And the list of "what if's" goes on.
I love my life. I love and am grateful for all that I've done and accomplished up to this point and I'm very excited about the many possibilities the future holds for my little family and I. But yesterday, for just a short while, I ached inside wanting to be a dancer again.
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2 comments:
wow i didn't know this about you! it's hard sometimes to think of dreams we left behind to pursue others... but it looks like you took the right path:) i get my dancing heart tugged at too... but now we can have dance parties with our kids!
I remember you doing those auditions. the list of "what ifs' is often haunting.....I suppose some days we will look back at all them and think..huh.
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